 By James Walters and Ashley Woodson Walters People coping with trauma sometimes experience difficulty trusting others enough to ask for help. This affected James’ college experiences early on and could have impacted our relationship. It took patience and honesty to pull through. Has help-seeking ever been a problem for you?
James: This happened a few times before and we noticed a pattern. I would tell my wife about the challenges I faced with an assignment after the assignment was due. There were three or four things I had to log onto just for one online class, and sometimes, I would forget which account to use. Even my in-person classes was heavy on unfamiliar technology. I was learning to upload assignments, how to find something I downloaded, and how to add pictures to my icebreaker. It got overwhelming. She would ask me why I didn't ask her for help earlier or email the professor about my questions. I hated this question, mostly because I never had a good answer. Ashley: It was frustrating! But we try to treat any frustrating pattern like the detectives in our favorite crime shows (Forensic Files for me, Dateline for him). The evidence told us that despite being brilliant—and James is brilliant—he was reluctant to ask for support when needed. We needed to figure out why. James: To me it was simple. I wanted to figure these things out for myself. First, because I don't want to be an additional burden. Ashley works hard, and has been working hard to hold me and the kids down during my transition home. I usually do my homework in the evening, and I feel like I'm interrupting her and taking away from her "me time" when she has to pause her show or put down her wine glass to help me make a PowerPoint presentation. Another reason I struggled was because for the past 25 years of my life, I didn't have a choice but to figure things out for myself. It's not like I could just Google things, and prison isn't exactly the best place to develop genuinely supportive relationships. I survived in prison by being resourceful and self-sufficient. Ashley: I understand James's perspective, but his hesitation to ask for help was impacting not only his academic performance but also our relationship. My love language is acts of service, so when James doesn't ask for my help when he needs it, I feel like he doesn't trust or value me enough to let me support him. One of the things I love most about him is his independence, but I also want to be there for him and be a part of his success. But it was bigger than me. James wasn't reaching out to his professors or academic advisors either. We realized that this pattern was rooted in James's past experiences and mindset. Growing up, he was always taught to rely on himself and not burden others with his problems. This mindset carried over into his time in prison, where asking for help could signal weakness or vulnerability. I connected our situation to things I'd read about trauma and academic help-seeking. James: Trauma is one of my favorite topics to read about because it helps me understand so much about myself. I know I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Every day I have to decide to be stronger than my emotions of anger, guilt, paranoia, and anxiety. Those emotions sometimes prevent me from connecting with others and definitely prevents me from feeling safe and confident enough to ask for help. Ashley: Academic help-seeking is the act of asking for support or assistance related to school. Since I've worked on college campuses for over a decade, I can usually help James find answers to his questions. For everyone who didn't marry a professor, almost all colleges have support centers with advisors, tutors, and other resources available to students for free. There's lots of help available, but that being said, James is not alone in how he feels about asking for help. Researchers have studied academic help-seeking for decades. It's not easy. This is especially true for students who have been incarcerated because their fear of stigma is not unfounded. Delaying or avoiding help-seeking is a self-preservation tactic rooted in past experiences of judgment, discrimination, and prejudice. James: There's an important part of this that’s a result of my cultural experiences as a Black man. I have a vision of myself as a provider, protector, and the person who has the answers when someone in the family struggles. Allowing myself to accept help is hard from that perspective, too. But Ashley is pretty good at reminding me that I contribute to our relationship in many other ways. Ashley: Because he does! And prioritizing his college education is just one of those ways. James: My advice to anyone who puts off academic help-seeking is to remember that your degree doesn't list all the times you needed support or had an embarrassing question. It just shows how well you pulled it together to earn a grade in that class. Also, people at the college get paid from your tuition to be there for you, so don't leave that money on the table. If you paid for a car warranty, you wouldn't try to fix the car yourself. You'd take it to the experts that you paid to take care of it. And prioritize the events at your college that introduce you to their support services. My orientation and going to the resource fair introduced me to people in a low stress setting where everyone was looking for more information. Ashley: My advice is to try to be a safe space for your partner's questions. In the moments I feel interrupted or annoyed, I remember it's not always about me, and we both made the decision to help rebuild his life through college. Creating a homework schedule helped because it gives me a window of time when I know he's working or he knows I'm available. Foot massages help, too. Definitely ask your partner to give you lots of foot massages.
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